April 25, 2002

SRS diary

I wake up exhausted... again. I can barely stomach breakfast in bed that's how zonked I am. I do though - getting into a feeding routine of ecanacia, hemp oil, and hemp seeds on muesli.

Bath time and I'm still finding it hard to insert the douche probe. No reason to risk hurting myself though, I'm being conservative in my prodding.

I find a length of white string at least 4 inches long floating in the tub. It isn't as first thought the lump that's been visible for days at the bottom of my left labia (the end that looks chewed). Who knows where this is from.

I sleep all morning.

Chris L gives me a copy of 24 hour party people at lunchtime. It's mad, I read for the rest of the day.

Chris P drops in with a huge bunch of flowers after work. Such a sweetie.All my misgivings float away.Wechat for ages. He's just bought out AVC for 25K and is going to rebrand it as Extra Mile.

We tried our first video diary session. I sound highly clinical and remote. I abuse Mich for her dry questions and some henpecking about wiping my arse the wrong way. I know,I know...

Finished 24HRPP. Inspirational book. Stoner goes after dream and realises it. Even when the dream collapses, his friendsare still there, mostly...

Laughed hard through parts of the 'Annual Barfta Awards' on C4. Found other bits tacky before being bowled over in confusion and dissmay by the awarding of 'Best Man/Best Woman' to a TS wearing bondage gear who had been hauled out in front of the cameras on talk shows as a boy genius... complete with blond afro and giant bowtie. The line 'this award is being given to you for all the mess you've made of your liife and provided us with entertainment allthese years.' A bit chilling. Controversal as fuck.Maybe that's whyit'sagood time tobe a trannie on the rise. All I could think was how carefully I intend to manage my image when doing anything to camera.

Dear Channel 4
I found your Barfta Award spoof show highly offensive in declaring Best Man/Best Woman "fuck up" (in your presenter's own words) to a transsexual talk show guest. I appreciate that this programme was trying hard to be 'alternative' and controversal but you crossed the line between bad taste and ugliness by sending up someone who does not appear to be a media personality.

POSTSCRIPT: I subsequently find out that this trannie is more than a little notorious for PR and was a regular on the chat-show circuit. My indignation subsides somewhat.

I didn't sleep. My clit was throbbing, almost agonisingly. My head was pounding. It was hot.
I tried to reach organism withot touching myself. More pain but no luck. It's so weird, the throbbing sensations I have allaround my groin are not unlike the feeling of gaffing, constricting the testicles and flaccid dick so that they lie flat in morefeminine fashion. The painful throbs are similar to that neuseating feeling of testicular tubes being crushed. I recall a dream a week ago where my surgery was botched and from the sense of contriction (which was no dream) my old penis burst out of stitching inside the vulva. All they'd done is hide the damn thing.

It is the freakiest feeling to feel aroused and feel instead of one thing moving, there's at least two moving parts, control surfaces for a neo-vagina that's barely out of its wrapping.
Speaking of wrapping, I'm pretty sure that there is string in my clit. Can't be helping with pain.

Posted by .M. at April 25, 2002 01:42 PM


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